R M Renfield's Journal
by DarknessOnTheEdgeOfTown
Summary: One of the most interesting characters in the Dracula myth takes on his own P.O.V of some key events in the book. This will be the first in a series of stories from other P.O.Vs.
1. Chapter 1

R.M. RENFIELD'S JOURNAL

_19 July_**.** - Had a visit from the good Dr. Seward today. He presented me with this journal so that I may record my feelings and any thoughts that I might have. He says it will help my progress yet I know the truth. I mentioned my knowledge not to him for I had a great favour to ask him and found it best not to infuriate him. A sparrow flew curiously around the room upon his entrance. He had, hitherto, supported my idea of pet-keeping yet had a somewhat angry demeanor and he looked oh, so tired. I was on my knees and dangling a spider from its web between my index finger and thumb when I heard him enter.

"Good morning, Mr. Renfield." He remarked with a yawn that he blocked with his fist. "How are you feeling today?" With rapture in my voice I flew up to him and then fell to my knees, my hands pressed together, praying to him- begging to him. The doctor asked me if I had something to ask him to which I said:-

"A kitten, doctor." He stared back at me with glowing eyes that seldom lit up. He smiled. "A kitten?" he questioned and continued. "You would like me to fetch you a kitten?" I shuffled to him on my aching knees and grasped his shirt collar with desperation and said:-

"Yes, a kitten! A nice little, sleek, playful kitten, that I can play with, and teach, and feed- and feed- and feed!" He looked past me and about the room, noticing that my pets had grown in size, up from flies, to spiders, to sparrows and now a kitten for which I so longed. My obscure request seemed not to surprise him as his answer revealed.

"I shall see about it." Was what he told me and noticing my disappointment continued to say, "Would you not rather have a cat than a kitten?" My mouth fell open and swung and creaked as a gibbet does. I quivered with excitement and threw my grateful hands to the heavens. "Oh, yes I would like a cat!" I cried to the kind man. "I only asked for a kitten lest you should refuse me a cat. No one would refuse me a kitten, would they?" He shook his head.

"At present," he said "I fear that it may not be possible." Then he told me that he would see about it and that I should wait on his return to my room and that it would be later. My face fell into an expression of disappointment and warning, I want a kitten. With a silent bow of the head he left me to my flies, my spiders, and my sparrows and locked my door.

_10 p.m. - _Dr. Seward came to see me again, only a half an hour ago. He said nothing but his face spoke for him and delivered the tragic message directly to my waiting self. Once again I found myself on my knees before him, as if he were the Lord of all creation. Which he cannot possibly be. "Please!" I begged him, saliva swinging from my twisted mouth. "Please, deliver me a cat! My salvation depends upon it! The blood is the life!" The doctor was unyielding however and left with his bad news lingering with my pets and I. With an unquenchable thirst I began to gnaw mercilessly on my fingertips till they bled.

_20 July. – _Yet another visit from Jack Seward. I believe he is growing fascinated with me but does not like me to call him by his Christian name. He says it is a breech of patient-doctor relationship. He says it is too informal. It was my understanding that all formalities became irrelevant and obsolete when one spends their days in an Asylum but Dr. Seward argues to the contrary. I was, and remain, in no mood to argue; in fact when he came to me today he found my whistling a jaunty tune which originated in my head this very morning. My pets are no longer with me as I have consumed them to sustain my own life and have quenched my furious thirst. I told Dr. Seward yesterday yet he ignored me-the blood is the life. The spiders eat the flies and the sparrows eat the spiders and I… eat the sparrows. The bloods of fly, spider and sparrow now run through my veins and have my spirits high and soaring. I dare not relent to Dr. Seward and tell him of my midnight feast lest he should refuse me a cat or kitten at a later date.

The attendant had not yet finished his round when he arrived, very early and caught the end of my humming session. He bid me good morning and I returned the pleasantry. I barely turned my head to look at him as I was busy again laying out sugar on my window ledge as I need more flies. He asked me what I was doing and I told him exactly that. When he asked me where the flies and the others had gone I paused for a moment and with a casual cock of my head remarked:-

"They have all gone away from me." I did not face him but continued to busy myself with the sugary flytrap. I prayed to the Master then that he would not notice the feathers and blood on the walls and floors and thankfully I do not think he did. The Master has been so good to me yet I cannot help but feel lonely of late.


	2. Chapter 2

_11 a.m. – _Was violently sick. The feathers of the sparrows are now strewn messily about my room. The attendant heard my loud and frequent gags and said I would receive no help until later when he had informed Dr. Seward. "By turning me away you have turned away the Master, my saviour!" I cried furiously after him. He continued to pass me. "You have condemned yourself!" My warnings fell upon deaf ears and I am now awaiting Dr. Seward to help me as I am mercilessly vomiting feathers, meat and blood.

_21 July. – _Hell and damnation! Yesterday evening Dr. Seward took my now precious pocket-book from me. The very thing he assigned me! I know he has read it and now he must know about my consuming life. I fear now that I shall never receive my cat or kitten and it saddens me to think on. It was dark when he came to me yesterday and he found me in a corner, next to my bed, gathering up the flies I had caught. He asked me if I were to sleep and when I told him "no" he bowed his head, as if deeply affected by my defiance of slumber. Without words he gave me a very potent opiate and within the minute I was soundly sleeping in a sleep deeper than Hell's pit. When I awoke this morning I scrambled in my coat's inner pocket for my journal but, much to my dismay, could not find it. This played on my nerves and I now am feeling tense and angry, furious perhaps. In taking my journal the doctor has betrayed both me and my trust and will have to win it back… with a kitten perhaps.


	3. Chapter 3

R.M. RENFIELD'S JOURNAL (_continued_)

_19 August. –_ As I wrote earlier, fairly excitedly I must confess, I was visited. Not, as I inwardly hoped, by the eminent Dr. Seward but instead by an attendant to whom I am usually pleasant. He commented on my seated position, telling me I was comparable to a dog. Fighting the urge to howl at him I simply turned away haughtily and looked up at the silvery moon hidden behind thick black clouds. He kicked the cell door which is pathetically padded out and insisted that I talk to him. I could feel my contorted body over-heat and said sharply to him:-

"I don't want to talk to you: you don't count now; the Master is at hand." The man narrowed his eyes through the sliding window in my door and threatened to call down Dr. Seward. "Blasted religious mania." Said he and walked away from me.

_10pm. – _An hour ago Dr. Seward finally descended from on high to visit me, the common man. For the next half hour my excitement grew to a stronger degree and Seward merely stood and silently observed me. I saw and have always seen the look in his cloudy eyes, the look of fear and fascination. He is enamored with my mind and longs to experience what I experience, to feel what I feel and to think what I think. I, on the other hand, simply want him to _know _what I know. It took him only a moment to notice the absence of my pets, with which he had hitherto paid close attention to. He said to me:-

"Where are you pets, Mr. Renfield?"

"Bother them all!" I ejaculated. "I don't care a pin about them!"

"What?" said he with a genuine want of an answer. "You don't mean to tell me that you don't care about spiders?"

"The bride-maidens rejoice the eyes that wait the coming of the bride; but when the bride draweth nigh, then the maidens shine not to the eyes that are filled."

Seward pressed me for an answer but I obstinately refused and sat in the corner of my cell, gazing through the black barred window. Oh! How I wish I could run along the black clouds and vault the yellowing moon! The doctor's impromptu visits often excite me yet tonight I felt a presence, another presence… a familiar presence. I shall be patient, the Master is at hand. I _must _be patient for my salvation depends on it.


	4. Chapter 4

_Midnight. – _Tonight would have been the night, the night for which I have been planning. Perpetual life stood in my hands and then liquefied through my fingers. A cold and soothing chill crept into my cell only an hour ago. It was eleven on the clock and my head was pressed firmly on the floor, my lips gently tapping it as I spoke to the Master. And he spoke back to me. My ears pricked up as his words flowed through me like a sweet wine. He told me what to do and how to do it, where to go and how to get there. And I listened. I felt his strength enter me and I felt omnipotent, like a God! Oh, how restless I am! A crushing disappointment is making my hand quiver as I write this. Though the Master touched me in ways that I never imagined I did not feel fear. I felt only servitude and the will to die for him. _Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once. _

My hands shook as I placed them on my window ledge and then up to coil around the bars. They were cold against my perspiring palms and it relaxed me. As I exerted more and more pressure against the bars I heard them creak. My feet touched the air and I flowed easily through the window! The drop was small and I landed in a steady run, moving at a pace I thought not possible. Although the dark clouds intercepted any light that the moon might have brought I could see clear as day. Everything was illuminated just for me. The Master was ready to greet me. He was waiting for me at Carfax Abbey, only a stones throw away from the Asylum. I pressed my warm body against the cold red brick and kissed the wall.

My hands were out by my side and I made the shape of a crucifix against the brick. Attendants shouted after me and threatened me. The voice of Dr. Seward reached me and he told me he could see me and that I was in danger.

"I shall be patient, Master." I mumbled, my lips still pressed against the wall. "It is coming- coming- coming!" I was escorted back to my cell but not without my breaking the finger of the mocking attendant- that one what called me "dog".


	5. Chapter 5

_4 September. – _For almost a month I had heard no word from my one and only Master. Until just before noon this very day. Oh, how glad I was! What ecstasy I felt! I lament the loss of my strength and power and was very nearly convinced that the Master had forgotten about me. But he didn't, how could he? I am his servant, his most faithful follower. He cannot forget me. Once again I was possessed by the kindly grip of the Master and a feral disposition came over me with it. In a similar fashion to before I was again subdued by the attendants under the ever-curious gaze of Dr. Seward. He truly is fascinated by me and I am genuinely upset that his mind is clouded and that he is too naïve to accept the Master as his saviour.

_Later. – _I am at a loss! At four o'clock this evening I had a depressing revelation yet I am calm now, as I was then. Dr. Seward watched me and asked about "this mysterious Master".

"All over! All over!" I assured him. "He has deserted me. No hope for me now unless I do it for myself!" I rubbed my eyes with my filthy hands and taking a deep breath turned to the doctor pleasantly. "Doctor, won't you be very good to me and let me have a little more sugar? I think it would be good for me."

"And the flies?" said he.

"Yes! The flies like it, too, and I like the flies; therefore I like it." The doctors who have examined me call me a madman yet could a madman argue as I did? I am content now that I have my sugar.

_Midnight. – _I feel alone and my wasted soul has become a desolate land of hate and despair! The Master must truly have abandoned me for I have not felt him for an age. Out of my window a dull and pale light was fighting its way through the mist to find me. Excited that it might be the awakening of the Master I leaped up and peered through the newly repaired bars. My face sunk when I noticed it was simply a lamp across the other side of the building. Dr. Seward's private quarters. I howled outside with fury and resentment for all and with no surprise there was a bang on my door. Immediately I kept quiet and moved and stood in the middle of my room and made myself look proper and presentable. Dr. Seward entered looking worse than myself and brushed his hair back with his slender hand. He saw my box full of flies and in a rebellious sulk I emptied the box and disposed of it out of the window.

"Are you not going to keep the flies anymore?" he inquired.

"No," said I; "I am sick of all that rubbish!" He grinned very slightly as his interest grew and without a word he slunk out of my room, clicking the door shut behind him. Hell and further damnation! I am alone!


	6. Chapter 6

_17 September. – _Hunger has taken my prisoner. I've not eaten in three days and I fear the doctor has forgotten about me, God damn his eyes! Last night I nearly died with my hunger and was ready to accept it for there are far worse things in this life than death. I am alone once more. Nay! The Master is with me though he shows himself not. I have faith and am patient. Patience is a virtue, my Master. I shall be patient.

_30 September. – _What a day, what a day! Though the Master's presence is lacking somewhat I had the joy of another's presence. The small plate window on my door slid open and Dr. Seward pressed his mouth up against it and got my attention.

"There is a lady who would like to see you." Said he plainly.

"Why?" I asked with one curious eyebrow heightened.

"She is going through the house, and wants to see everyone in it."

"Oh, very well," I said, brushing myself down. "Let her come in, by all means; but just wait a minute till I tidy up the place." I grasped my box of flies and spiders and tipped it toward my mouth. As they cascaded down my dry throat I could feel my energy being restored and was in high spirits. I sat on my bed with my head down and my eyes up. I could not stand to be degraded with a woman's eyes as I knew I would be if she had spotted the flies and such. The lady entered in a pretty little turquoise frock which was very elegant and oh! how beautiful she looked, too!

"Good evening, Mr. Renfield." Said she, extending a gloved hand. She noticed my amazed expression and my deathly pallor and continued with a start. "You see, I know you, for Dr. Seward has told me of you." I did not reply but continued to stare at her striking beauty. She was radiant! I blinked at her very slowly before enquiring as to whether or not she was the woman whom Dr. Seward had intended to marry, had he not been beaten to the punch, as it were. She smiled ever so sweetly and said:-

"Oh no! I have a husband of my own, to whom I was married before I ever saw Dr. Seward, or he me. I am Mrs. Harker." Harker? Yes! I knew the name.

"Then what are you doing here?" I asked at the peak of my curiosity.

"My husband and I are staying on a visit with Dr. Seward."

"Then don't stay!" I cawed, almost screeching, desperate to warn the pretty lady.

"But why not?"

"How did you know I was to marry anyone?" Seward interjected. I gazed at him with resentment and contentment. With a quick glance and the lovely Mrs. Harker and then back to Seward I ejaculated:-

"What an asinine question!" and said no more.

"I don't see that at all, Mr. Renfield." Said Mrs. Harker.

For such a pretty little thing to be talking so genuinely with me was exciting to me and made me feel special, like I was talking with the Master. I smiled softly at the now pouting woman and said:-

"You will, of course, understand, Mrs. Harker, that when a man is loved and honoured as our host is, everything regarding him is of interest in our little community. Dr. Seward is loved not only by his household and his friends, but even by his patients, who, being some of them hardly in mental equilibrium, are apt to distort causes and effects. Since I myself have been an inmate of a lunatic Asylum, I cannot but notice that the sophistic tendencies of some of its inmates lean towards the errors of _non causa _and _ignoratio elenchi_."

Dr. Seward seemed pleasantly surprised that I, R. M. Renfield, was having a discussion like a gentleman with a lovely lady. We talked for some time, the three of us, and I believe that they were both pleased to have talked with me. I was certainly pleased to talk with them. I enjoyed the way our conversation was going so continued to say:-

"I was not surprised that my friends deemed it necessary to having me put under control. I used to think that eating one life, no matter how small or insignificant may prolong life, and thus making life a perpetual entity. I even tried to kill humans, Mrs. Harker. I even tried to kill our friend Dr. Seward here, as he will no doubt testify. The blood is the life, after all." Dr. Seward did not appear to enjoy the path of discussion and took Mrs. Harker by the arm and lead her away. She pulled back to the door and said to me:-

"Good-bye and I hope I may see you often, under auspices pleasanter to yourself!" I was overjoyed at her hopes and replied solemnly, yet as sweetly as I could:-

"Good-bye, my dear. I pray God I may never see your sweet face again. May He bless you and keep you!" The two left without another word and I slumped back to a corner to once more lure in more life forms for I was lusting the blood of life.


End file.
